Mom just asked me if I've enough to spend. I was so reluctant to tell her how much I can't support myself I started to bite on my Starbucks tumbler's straw, not knowing how to answer to make it sound like I'm still living fine. And so I replied, "Err ... yah... just enough" but well as my mom she definitely saw through me and knew I didn't have enough. (I swear this feeling sucks so much.)
Since young, I don't have the habit to tell people what I needed, what I wanted, or what I'm lacked of. When I'm hungry, I find it so hard to open my mouth to tell my siblings "I'm hungry". It's just 2 words but I've to pluck up my courage to let the words flow out of my mouth. Actually it hardly did. I didn't let them know I'm hungry. I can't cook, so all I did was drink plain water, so much that I'm full. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. (I was still in my kindergarten days then.)
Now that I'm older, I know I've the ability to work hard, to be independent and not just be on earth to live off others. I know I need people around me to let me depend on so as to grow well, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I don't like to be so dependent. I wanted to be on my own. I needed to be independent. But it was just oh so hard I've no idea why.
And did I mention how much I dislike my contradicting parents. I mean, I don't dislike my parents - I dislike how contradicting they can get. One moment they told me, "You're big enough to use your own money so don't keep using your brother's/sister's okay?" Another moment they said, "How come not enough money to use liao?" Well I've to use my own and not my brother's/sister's so how do I ..........
You get my point now.. I hate asking for money cus that just made me appear so useless /shrugs/ so whenever my mom forgot to give me, I'll just keep quiet and think of a way to survive.
But anyway I'm gonna work from tomorrow onwards. I can pull this through. 1 month more!
